Hello citizens, city of Seattle here. I’ve got something important to talk to you about. So put down your conveyor belt sushi, sit back in your skinny jeans, and listen up.

By all outside appearances, I’m a pretty successful city. My citizens are smart and educated. I have arts and literature coming out of my ears. I have more restaurant variety than a Cook’s Illustrated test kitchen. I have effective politicians who get things done…OK, just kidding on that last one.

But, there’s actually a problem underneath this happy facade. Yes, I’m not the perfect city that you assumed I was.

My problem is this: I’m not badass enough.

That’s right. My badass quotient is way off. I’m a pushover. I get bullied by neighboring cities (I’m looking at you, Bellingham!). Others perceive me as dainty, with an unhealthy preoccupation over food, fashion, and coffee.

While I could try to change my ways, that would be no fun. After all, people like residing in me because I’m me, right? So I think I have a better solution. What I need is a mascot that represents my badass side. A mascot that says “step off” when others think to push me around. Something, if done right, that will strike a bit of fear in other cities.

Meet: the Crowgulloon.

Art credit: @byrongronseth

The crowgulloon is a mythical creature that combines three common Seattle fauna: the crow, the seagull, and the raccoon. Each brings a special badass power to the mix, and the combination is unstoppable.

  • The crow brings its large, prominent beak. It will mercilessly peck at your face.
  • The seagull brings its giant wings. Have you ever been slapped upside the head with a giant wing?
  • The raccoon brings its sharp claws. Don’t let them get close to your underbelly!

The crowgulloon is the perfect way to express that Seattle is indeed a badass city. Now, here’s where I need your help: I need you to pitch the crowgulloon to our civic leaders and urge them to adopt it as the city’s official mascot. Call McGinn’s office. Email your city councilpersons. Talk to reporters at The Stranger. Do whatever you can to get the word out that Seattle is ready to be a badass city, and the crowgulloon is the ticket!

Here’s a sample to work from:

I love living in Seattle, but outsiders think we’re pushovers. I want to change that image, and I have a proposal. I urge you to adopt the crowgulloon as our city’s mascot. Part crow, part seagull, and part raccoon, this mascot combines three local animals into one creature that embodies all that is badass about Seattle. I’m tired of others picking on us. Please, make the crowgulloon our mascot!

Post your comments to let me know how your efforts are going.

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